When I Get a Little Scared Run, Run, Run
by ellen grace
Summary: Meredith Grey makes a lot of stupid, lifealtering decisions. Then she whines and complains and goes through months of selfloathing because of them. It's a neverending cycle, her life. MeredithDerek


I don't own anything.

Meredith Grey makes a lot of stupid, life-altering decisions. Then she whines and complains and goes through months of self-loathing because of them. It's a never-ending cycle, her life. The thing is, Meredith always knows when she's about to make a decision that she'll regret; her guts seize up and her mouth tastes like pennies and her body feels like it's on fire.

As she walked down the church aisle and told the guests that it was over, Meredith Grey felt like she was on fire.

She knew it was dumb, placing her future happiness with Derek on the back of her best friend's relationship, but she did it anyway. It made sense the night before, as she drunkenly helped Cristina wrap herself in toilet paper. She needed Cristina to be happy because if Cristina was happy then there was some hope for... As she turned and paced towards the back of the church, feeling Derek's stare on her back, she couldn't remember her drunken reasoning. Instead of dwelling on her newly-created problem, she went to comfort her friend.

Cristina had forced Meredith to go home eventually, though Meredith had been fully prepared to stay the night, but not before telling her that she's the best best-friend ever. Meredith knows she is the best best-friend ever. She's just not a best-girlfriend ever.

The night was dark but the house was bright as Meredith pulled into her driveway. She wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone, but she parked and stumbled up towards the front door anyway. She stopped searching for her house keys as she caught sight of Izzie pacing the living room, stirring a bowl of what looked like cake batter and rambling to a half-asleep Alex. He was strewn across the couch, clearly wrapped in his own thoughts, but Izzie seemed not to notice. Meredith stood frozen, watching the two for a little longer, and then turned and climbed back into her car. She needed to be alone. Meredith contemplated heading to Joe's, finding a corner table, and drowning her problems once again, but instead found herself steering into the Seattle Grace parking lot.

As soon as the automatic doors had closed behind her, without a clear destination, Meredith headed up the back stairwell. She didn't think she could stomach an elevator ride tonight.

She let her feet take her towards the locker room, the place that had been in the back of her mind all day. Meredith didn't bother turning on the lights, she liked the cold shadows created from the moonlight. Meredith sat down on her bench, trying to draw strength from it's familiarity, and raked her mind for something positive that might come of the day's events. She found comfort in the fact that she couldn't find a silver lining, it made her feel like her old, twisted self. As she let out a hollow, self-pitying laugh, Meredith heard the door click open and shut.

She smelled him before he turned into her row. Dark and musky, he smelt of the outdoors he so loved. She sighed as she exhaled, the soft sound leading him right to her.

"Hi." Derek's face was void of emotion as he spoke, Meredith noticed his eyes were as hollow as they had been that morning, though they now appeared to be rimmed with red, as if he had shed a few tears since then.

Meredith stood up instead of replying, and she immediately felt his embrace around her waifish form. She buried her head in his shoulder and let out the tears that had been inside her all day. Meredith turned her head up to face Derek, only to discover him staring blankly at the lockers to his right. Meredith felt as if he was trying to distance himself emotionally from her, and she couldn't blame him. She sobbed harder as she thought of how much her inability to be close had hurt him.

"Derek," She started as she stepped back from him and started to paw his chest, the tears finally calmed down, "I" but she stopped as his hands caught her frail wrists and pulled her up towards him.

His kiss was deep, longing, as if he was trying to say goodbye to something he couldn't bear to part with. Which actually, Meredith reasoned, was probably what he was doing. Meredith freed her hands from his grip and buried them in his hair, forcing him to stumble towards her into the lockers.

It felt like hospital adultery version two, even though they were together now and were allowed to do this when they pleased. His hands clawing up her shirt, her hands moving from his hair to his waist. Neither spoke or made any other sound, like teenagers afraid to be caught. The sex wasn't empty however, it was quite the opposite. Meredith felt her body shouting every unspoken word of uncertainty and fear, countered by his cries of desire. Derek strayed from Meredith's mouth to her collarbone, leaving spots that tomorrow would make her feel as if she were back in high school. With a shudder and a gasp it was over, both left panting.

As Derek put himself back together, Meredith stayed leaning against the cold metal, staring at his back. She felt the slits in the locker behind her on her own back for the first time that night, but was too drained to move. She kept replaying their earlier conversation in this very room over and over in her head. Meredith had expected him to leave her. She had expected him to do it the day he told her he had met someone else, she knew the drill, it had happened before. This, this was all new. Meredith had never had someone call her the love of his life, she certainly had never sad it to anyone before. Derek had his scrub top on now, he was sitting on the bench, hunched over and facing the lockers opposite her. His head was in his hands, and he looked even more vulnerable than he had that morning.

Meredith took a step towards him, vaguely aware she was still only half-clothed, and wrapped her arms around his neck. She realized she didn't want to whine and complain and loathe herself for months anymore, she wanted to end that vicious cycle.

Meredith bent down so her mouth was level with Derek's ear, her body curving itself to fit with his, and slowly whispered, "I can't end it either, I don't want to."


End file.
